Disordered thinking…

Well, well, well… I don’t happen to be keeping up with this blogging thing….  To be honest, I am absolutely exhausted, the last 2 weeks have really done me in!

Everyone has one of THOSE weeks, and the few that have just gone by happens to have been some of mine. I have laughed, cried (quite a bit) and felt so many emotions that I haven’t been able to put them in order yet, but I’m working on it. I wasn’t sure whether writing this blog now was the right thing to do, but I’ve bitten the bullet and I’m going for it.

Teaching is a difficult job. Over the past three years, I have met the most brilliant people and have had too many highs to count. I have learnt so much about myself, how I work and how I really don’t work. There have been way more highs than there have been lows. So why do I focus on the things that I have got wrong, rather than the things I have done right?

I have a bad habit of getting so wrapped up in a low that I forget how far I’ve come. This has been part of the problem this week. Now obviously I am not going into specific details about what’s happened and why this week has been especially difficult. I don’t want this blog to become a negative one. Teaching is amazing and despite the late nights, constant stress of whether you are doing the right thing, the end result of children leaving your class having grown and made positive steps in the right direction (no matter how small), makes the stress and sleepless nights worth it.

Last week, I went home every night thinking why, when I am trying so hard, are things not going right? I worry, A LOT, about everything! One of the major things I worry about is what other people think of me. When I realise I have upset people, immediately I feel awful and spend a good while worrying about how I can make it better and replaying the situation over, and over again to see how I could have maybe done it differently.

So many people do this and it is so common. Why do we let ourselves be taken over by the what ifs and worrying what other people are thinking? It is exhausting! Sometimes we need an escape- music, YouTube, theatre shows, concerts, Trampolining and spending time with family and friends are some of mine.

There is nothing better than getting lost in the fictional world of a show for 3 hours, or sticking in your headphones and listening endlessly to music and YouTube videos and blocking out that voice in your head telling you, you’ve messed up again, if only for a little bit. Doing this, doesn’t mean you’re running away from the problem, it means you are giving yourself time to think, and work out how to move forward. The first emotional response will have passed, and you will be in a better frame of mind to deal with it.

A couple of weekends ago, myself and Katie (My theatre/concert and soon to be holiday buddy- I hope!) went to the last matinee of Heathers: The Musical on the West End, and honestly I came out feeling so much lighter. The same thing happened last Friday when we went to Winter Wonderland. There is something magical about a West End show, and London in general that makes me feel that actually my worries aren’t so big anymore, and I am able to power through, and realise that really I must remember there are people who have far bigger worries than I and I’m going to be ok; the world has not ended and tomorrow is a new day.

My dad has always been able to solve a problem and he has instilled in us that there is nothing that should stand in our way as long as we work hard, be kind and NEVER give up! He has always said: “You can always stop, leave, get out as long as you have tried your best, that’s all you can do”. In his opinion, if you don’t like something and you are truly unhappy, you can leave. He has a way of talking that draws you in and makes you think differently about a situation. For example, in my first year of University, I really wasn’t enjoying myself. The course was rubbish and other stuff meant I really didn’t want to be there anymore. Despite this, I said nothing and carried on, telling myself it was only another two years and I would be out of there. Dad noticed my reluctance to leave the car every time he dropped me back and the fact I went home almost every weekend, and so we talked. He made the massive problem (in my head) of transferring to St Mary’s to complete my final 2 years so simple and even helped me to write the letters to complete the withdrawal. 5 years down the line I am forever grateful that he pushed me to do the right thing, rather than the thing I thought everybody expected me to do.

I feel like this blog has been a bit muddled (a bit like my brain and emotions the last few weeks), and so I apologise but I needed to write something and this is what has materialised. I still have a long way to go 

I heard something on my drive into work the other day- Chris Evans was talking about problems and how actually a key to solving them is to decide it’s not a problem in the first place. A funny thing to say but it actually makes a lot of sense.

Now I’m off to put my headphones in and get some Christmas shopping done whilst working up the courage to actually press publish on the blog that has taken me near on 2 days to write. Maybe I’m not quite as sorted as I want people to believe.

Sinead xx